Stop Comparing. You are Enough! | S1E005

Linda Orsini: 00:00:08

Hello and welcome to A Call for Love. I believe the most powerful gift you can offer yourself is to give and receive love more freely. I'm your host Linda Rossini meditation guidance spiritual coach. Everyone has the desire to be seen, heard, respected and loved. The journey to becoming more connected to your greater purpose lies within the ability to live from the deep source of love within you. Let's begin

Linda Orsini: 00:00:42

I have an important question to ask you. I was looking for new inspirational meditation the other day for my own practice and came across a ton of I am enough meditations. And you know, once again, I was reminded that so many people, including myself, feel like we are not enough. Where on earth did we learn we are not enough? Because when we were born, we were perfect little miracles. A precious new baby so lovable, cute and innocent. It just makes me marvel that somewhere along the way, we develop these feelings of inadequacy and inferiority. It's just so interesting. Do you ever feel like you're not good enough? Maybe at work or in your relationships? And even more importantly, in your heart? I'm wondering, do you ever feel like you are forever proving yourself to others? Maybe it's not all the time. I know a lot of self assured people. But I can't imagine there's anyone in this day and age that doesn't feel that they are not doing enough, or enough period. Goodness, even as a yoga teacher and yoga student, I find myself comparing actually, yoga which I believe to be a non competitive practice for crying out loud. My inner critic always babbling Oh, I wish I could do those advance poses like so. And so, or why is my balance off today when everyone else looks so grounded. These are some of the mental ruminating thoughts going through my mind. Let's try something together. Make a mental list or even if it's possible, if you're not driving, or walking, listening to the podcast, write down all the ways you feel inferior in your life, where you feel inadequate, what you feel you do not have enough. Let me throw some out there. Maybe you feel you don't have enough self confidence, because you don't have enough money or friends. Or maybe you feel your body is not the right size or it's not the right look. Or maybe your colleague got a raise or promotion or new job and you didn't, or your friends are going on a new vacation and you're not able to get your act together to go or have enough money.

Linda Orsini: 00:03:03

There are endless ways we can be made to feel like we are not enough. But is it really true. I was on the phone with one of my girlfriends and I asked her where she feels like she's not enough in her life. She said that she never feels like she's good enough when she meets up with one of her old high school friends. Her friend makes more money than her has a nicer house and is still very happily married, while my girlfriend is divorced. And although managing not thriving as much as she feels her girlfriend is. And I feel like this is not an unusual scenario. We're both big fans of Byron Katie, who does who is the author and creator of the work. So I asked her well, let's try her question. So and Byron Katie's questions are one, is it true? To Can you absolutely know that it's true? Three, how do you react? What happens when you believe that thought? And for who would you be without the thought? So then I asked my girlfriend? Are you really inadequate and inferior? You have to give me one answer either yes or no. My girlfriend said no. I asked her. Do you really feel inadequate and inferior? You have to give me a one word answer. She says yes, I do. So we moved on to question two, Can you absolutely know for sure that you are inadequate and inferior? And she said, Well, I don't know for sure that I that I am. So we progressed to question three. Well, what happens? How do you react and what happens when you believe that thought when you believe you're not enough? So she thought for a moment she says well, you know, it's interesting because I was trying to justify my life and where I am I justified the rising costs of the economy and the interest rates, and she had to pay another semester tuition for her daughter. And she also tried to think of starting a relationship, but she was just too busy. And this winter, she decided not to go away. Because traveling is such a headache this year. Interesting, we both thought. And finally, for who would you be without the thought she really thought she would feel much happier if she liked who she was. And if she felt her life was enough, she'd be feel lighter in the heart and more uplifted. She was feeling really low and depressed and significant after her meet up with her girlfriend. And I really felt bad. So I was trying to really help her move through this process. By the end of the conversation, she was feeling more proud about how she likes her job, even though she would like to make more money. And although she would like a relationship, he she has a great group of girlfriends that really do bring her joy. So she came to think of it that she does feel good about herself, when she stopped comparing herself to others.

Linda Orsini: 00:06:14

So my point here is that so many of us learn the feelings of not being enough of being inadequate of being inferior from outside ourselves. I see it all around me. And I have to believe and I do believe we learn it or socialized into it. For example, I do feel it could stem from our formative years, zero to seven, how people talk to us how they praised us and celebrated when we succeeded. Let's take for example, you know, as a little toddler, you take your first step, and everyone cheers for you. Or you put your the food in your mouth, and everyone cheers for you. When you were put into sports, and you got a goal, and there was a big celebration, or at school with your grades and stickers, and the list goes on and on. These are all reinforcements that when we do well and when we succeed, we get praised. But when we don't what happens, we are left feeling inadequate, we love feeling behind. So it's a little bit raw for me to share. But I will hear that my feelings of not being enough, really, I believe stem from birth order. I'm the youngest of 11 children. And I always wanted to be older, I actually hated being the baby of the family. Even though now I'm older, I quite like it. And I wanted to be as accomplished and productive and as important as my seven older brothers and three older sisters. But of course, how could I be when everyone else had a head start. They are fabulous people and I love and admire each one of them. But in reality, I was never going to be able to catch up to them. Because they had a head start. They were able to get their first job, their first home, they get married first go on vacations, they had a head start just because logistically, I was always the youngest and the last to the finish line, so to speak. And I developed these, I call them inner child wounds of not being enough and to no fault of theirs. Really, I do not have this victim mentality or I do not have any blame. I just feel it was the way things were at school really bringing been the driving force behind all my accomplishments and suffering actually, I kind of refer to it as my pretty pain, pretty like a rose because it's really helped me accomplish big goals and pain. I hate to use the word here but pain in the ass period because it's really caused me suffering an unnecessary unneeded and undeserved suffering. I'm just wondering if you've experienced feelings of inadequacy of not being enough. I imagine that most people at one time feel like this. And I'm not alone.

Linda Orsini: 00:09:16

Especially when we're not living in our awareness of wholeness. It once again reminds me of that quote I mentioned in the trailer, I saw the angel in the marble and I carved until I set it free, said Michaelangelo. We've had all this external programming all these external influences, and it's leaving us feeling inadequate and not enough. So I grew up believing that the best way to conquer these feelings of inadequacy and not feeling enough was an indication that I had low self esteem but really, I don't I actually really believe in myself and have the healthy mindset. I grew up with a lot of love and support Right. But when a challenge or new goal presents itself to me that inner child wound really, really comes to life. Fear strikes hard, and I get twisted. I worry that what I'm doing is not enough that it's not good enough, I could be better so and so's doing it better. What an app. But that's just the powerful lie. I continue to tell myself and maybe you tell that lie to yourself as well. Well, this is definitely a call for love, it's a chance to notice what is happening within your mind. And spoiler alert, building self esteem is not the answer. I used to put post it notes all over my house. I am enough, I am enough, I am enough. And I remember Oprah Winfrey actually stating that she talked a lot about that feeling of inadequacy of being enough. And I tell you, it really did not work. I believe it's about building your self compassion muscle. And that's only in the last couple of years that since I've studied yoga, meditation and mindfulness, that I realized building one self esteem is not the answer. So let's take a look at the difference between building self esteem versus self compassion in order to help us to be more mindful how we relate to ourselves and others. And if you're a parent, this is specifically important, or even a partner or actually just a human being. Because how we talk to other people, we need to really be mindful. Are we giving boosting up their ego through the self esteem? Or are we really offering them compassion?

Linda Orsini: 00:11:43

I've read a lot from the works of Kristin Neff and Christopher Girma and this is what they have to say about the difference between self esteem versus self compassion. So in their studies, they've learned that self esteem requires comparing yourself to others it's really the comparison game. When in self compassion, there is no comparison. There's no judgment or comparison. It's an inner practice. Self esteem is actually create separateness from others creating the mentality of you against the world. You ever had that feeling it's you against the world you against everybody else, when self compassion really emphasizes that we're all on a journey and no one's life is perfect. Building your self esteem muscle is wishy washy and unreliable as it fluctuates according to your successes or your failures and watching those of others. And self compassion is a reliable source of comfort and support as it relates to your personal thoughts and feelings. Self esteem is an external process of how you feel or not. Well, self compassion is an internal process. And over time really creates more stable sense of self worth. You know, when you try to build up your self esteem or those of others, it actually increases stress by releasing adrenaline that fight flight or freeze response due to the feeling emotionally attacked or defensive. But when you practice self compassion, it decreases your stress by releasing oxytocin to help us feel calm, trusting, nurtured, soothed and comforted. When I'm trying to build my self esteem, I have a lot of self critical talk, where when I offer myself loving kindness, through self compassion, I have kindness I'm more gentle with myself. Because there's a misconception that when we are sensitive, we are soft. In actuality, it takes a lot of strength to open ourselves to being vulnerable. powering through life with a harshness and tough skin may protect us in the moment. But putting up walls around our heart, thinking it will protect us actually hurts us. We want to be kinder to ourselves, we want to have more compassionate self talk. And self esteem is really driven by the ego, the small self, the small as they call it, and self compassion really helps you tap into the source of your higher self, relating to yourself as part of the whole human experience. When we focus on building our self esteem, it's based in fear, as self criticism makes us feel insecure and sends our amygdala into overdrive and floods our system with cortisol which we do not want. But when we practice self compassion based in love, it allows us to feel confident and secure by pumping up our oxytocin. Self esteem is self judgment. Self Compassion is loving kindness when We're in a place of tapping into our smaller self through ego, we feel insecure, as opposed to feeling safe. When we tap into the ego, it originates in the mind instead of in the heart. And it relies on praise from others, instead of finding our own inner source of truth and wholeness. When you give people compliments, and try to boost their self esteem to others, or yourself, you create separateness, it's the eye mentality of the ego, the small self, but through loving kindness, through compassion, through relating to this experience of that we're all in it together, it creates a we mentality that we're all in this experience together. So I'd like us to just take a moment and really reflect on how we talk to ourselves, are we trying to build our self esteem? Or are we offering ourselves self compassion, which is more lasting, which is more impactful?

Linda Orsini: 00:16:09

Once again, I'm teaching another course. And this time at Aida Yoga Studio in Oakville, Ontario, Canada, and one of the ladies, Claudia, who is just a beautiful woman, she says, you know, her son was doing really well in math, and he got a very high grade. So in the past, she would have said, Wow, congratulations are so good. And she decided she's going to offer more thoughtfulness through self compassion. So she said to, and how does it make you feel? So instead of turning outward for the acclamation of doing well, she wants him to tap into how he's feeling inside, and building his self worth from the inside out. And I was so touched by this, this is why, you know, I was, I am the guide in these courses, and I am the guy here on this podcast. We're really I'm not the guide anywhere. We're all the students of life. We're all learning the process. It's all a call for love. It's just a matter of noticing where we're standing. Are we standing in a place of self love of self worth of self validation? Or are we standing in a place of feeling inferior, vulnerable inadequacy, it's just about noticing. And when you notice when you're out of alignment with love, it's a call for love. It's a call to be kinder. So maybe placing whenever you're in this feeling of not enough, maybe saying to yourself, you know, I'm sorry, you feel like this, you know, offer yourself loving kindness, offering yourself the realization that nothing's ever going to be perfect, but we are perfect where we are because it's where we are. And it's our journey. I hope you hear the message today that if you're feeling like you're not enough, know that you want to tap into your inner resource of self compassion, of being kind to yourself, instead of looking outward for validation. Thank you for listening. From my heart to yours. Namaste.