5 Reasons NOT to Build Self-Esteem but Self-Compassion Instead l S1E018

Linda Orsini: 00:00:08

Hello and welcome to a call for love. I believe the most powerful gift you can offer yourself is to give and receive love more freely. I'm your host Linda Orsini meditation guidance spiritual coach. Everyone has the desire to be seen, heard, respected and loved. The journey to becoming more connected to your greater purpose lies within the ability to live from the deep source of love within you. Let's begin.

Linda Orsini: 00:00:39

Welcome to Episode 18 of a call for love. I'm so excited to be here with you today. Because 18 is of special number for me. Not only was I married to Gord on the 18th of July, but also 18. In numerology, if you add the one in the eight, you get nine, which is the number of completion just like 27, and of course, nine itself, and in the Bible one and eight stem for new beginnings and abundance. And that equals success. I had a friend I taught with and she was Jewish, and she told me that often they would give gifts of money in multiples of 18, symbolizing giving the recipient the gift of life or luck. And finally, did you know that one could mean one consciousness, we are all on one, and eight sideways is the infinity symbol. Not to mention there are 18 holes on a golf course. So there are so many reasons to really love and embrace the number 18. And I'm happy to be here with you today, celebrating episode 18 on a call for love. And today's message is very special, because I want to share with you the five differences between self esteem and self compassion, because that's what I'm an advocate for working with highly sensitive people being highly sensitive myself, I really need to tap in and to self compassion, which has really, truly been a life changer for me. So let's begin the set a little precedence here, I'd like to share that as a school teacher for over 30 years, especially at the beginning of my career, self esteem was strongly promoted, we wanted to build a child's self esteem. And I have said this before on a call for love. And I would like to share here the five steps we use to really differentiate between self esteem versus self compassion. And if you haven't guessed, I'm an advocate for self compassion. Just like Christine nefs work and Chris Gerber's work, the leading guru's of self compassion. Of course, there are other people who have advocated for self compassion, but through their work, it really shines through all the benefits. Let's begin with self esteem. Self esteem, actually is comes from the outside is an external process, as opposed to self compassion, that is an internal process. Have you ever noticed that you get acclimates and therefore you feel better about yourself? That is a product of self esteem. You get your validation through others through experiences, feeling this wishy washy and unreliable source of self esteem coming and rooting from others can fluctuate depending on your success or failure. And that's what's so pivotal here. Because relying on the praise of others, and comparing yourself to others can either boost your self esteem or deplete your self esteem. Have you ever noticed if somebody gets a promotion, and you don't? How's your self esteem? When somebody wins that winning goal? How does the one winning team feel versus the losing team? This is what I mean. When we base our success or failures. on external processes. We get affected and our self esteem can fluctuate because we depend on that external stimuli. But you know with self compassion, you don't have to it's independent. Being an internal process. Over time, it creates a more stable sense of self and self worth. It's a reliable source of comfort and support. As it relates to our personal thoughts and feelings, we can be self reliant. And you know, here this the thing, it doesn't require judgment or comparison, as a mindset, movement, and meditation coach, and really advocate for health and wellness, we do not want to judge the soul premises of mindfulness to be present on purpose, in the moment without judgment. So how can we offer ourselves self compassion, if we are including judgment, we don't want to do that, we do not want to have judgment or comparison. That is the key. The second reason why I'm an advocate for self compassion, over building self esteem, is that self esteem, because it comes from the outside is actually the ego. It's a product of the ego, thereby originating in the mind, it creates the separateness this means this I, as opposed to creating a mentality of connecting with your higher self. When you connect with your higher self, you realize you're part of the human experience, you realize that we are all on this same journey, which I have said so often in a call for love.

Linda Orsini: 00:06:34

This is what I really advocate for that when you know that we are part of this human experience, when it's not an AI mentality, but a we mentality, we can tap into our higher self, we can tap into our heart center, because self compassion comes from the heart, it has to come from this heart, and everything that comes from the heart can move forward. And when we realize that we're all on this journey, and no one's life is perfect, we can offer ourselves the space to tap into self compassion. Have you ever seen this with a toddler when they're in that I mean, me me stage when everything revolves around themselves. And when they don't get something when they don't get that toy, or when they don't get that cookie or privilege, it ends up in a stream of tears. Well, of course, we are not toddlers anymore. We're adults on our journey. And when we really are working from the ego place, we set ourselves up for being dependent on the mind, approving or disapproving, creating success or failure in our viewpoint. And we don't want to do that. Self Compassion is so much more richer, is Richard because it allows us to really connect with being human to realize we're all in this together. Now, the third which is very, very interesting, and people always say to me, oh, self compassion is selfish. No self compassion and offering yourself Self Compassion is absolutely not selfish. It's actually biologically sound. Because when you tap into self compassion, it's based in love. And it allows us to feel confident and secure. by pumping up our oxytocin. It activates the part of the brain associated with compassion, and positive feelings and emotions. When we decrease our stress by releasing oxytocin, it helps us to feel calm, trusting, nurtured, soothe, and comfort

Linda Orsini: 00:09:03

and comfort. That's what self compassion provides biologically for us. Does that not sound like something that you want to invite into your life? I know that many listeners here on a call for love, are very compassionate to other peoples, but inviting self compassion into our own heart space. That's the challenge sometimes, and that's the invitation. Because when you are dependent on self esteem, it's a problem solving part of the brain processing in the brain with the ego. It is based in fear as self criticism makes us feel insecure, sending our Megillah into overdrive and flooding our system with cortisol. We do not want this. This increases our stress By releasing adrenaline, that fight, flight or freeze response, due to feeling emotionally attacked, or defensive, that's what happens, we get our breath becomes shallower, we tend to get that energy. And that's when we can react instead of respond. And we do not tap into our higher self, we do not tap into our commerce self, the self of us that can offer compassion not only to ourselves and others. So biologically, there is a shift in our body. And when you say to somebody, oh, just relax, oh, they cannot relax, especially if they are pumped up with this adrenaline of getting stimuli outside the self through self esteem. When you see teammates in these games, football, hockey, lacrosse, all the games out there, when you see these sports, and they are on the field, and they are scoring, they are getting this adrenaline rush. And when you get that adrenaline rush, it is coming from external is validation is hearing the crowd scream and cheer for you. But you know, self compassion is not a loud, glamorous practice. It's an internal practice. But when you work from the inside out, when you heal from the inside out, through self compassion, Wow, your whole energy can shift. Now, it's not going to be Go Go Go energy, like the hyperness of through self esteem and the ego. But it is such a grounding, comforting and stable energy that really allows you to tap into your higher self, and really be the light and love for yourself, to find the empathy for others. Self Compassion allows us to find empathy for others. I just love the benefits of practicing self compassion. Next, number four, the difference between self esteem and building self compassion is our self talk. You guessed it, if you are building self esteem, you are promoting critical self talk. Wow, have you ever gotten a report card or a review in your work? That is actually telling you how you did? What happens, what is going on in your mind, you know, that critical inner critic of self talk, be rating, comparing, judging, you're setting yourself up for trouble when you go into that space. But when you practice and build the self compassion muscle, you inspire kind hearted and compassionate self talk. It comes from a place of love and kindness. And when you really know that you're one, just like the number 18, the one in the 18. When you know you're one on one with the universe, one with humanity, one with source, one with your consciousness, then it is an invitation to really be kinder to yourself, and know that you're doing the best you can at this time, in the present moment. And last, is the feelings that self compassion can bring to you. Self Compassion, as I said before, it creates feelings of safety and security, which is always available to you because you're always with yourself. And the best friend you will ever have in your life is yourself. Actually, maybe that's not true. Maybe the longest friend you'll ever have in your life is yourself. However, can we not make that our best friend too? Is that not the goal? As opposed to self esteem, which creates feelings of fear and insecurity? Do you really want to deep be dependent on the views of others? I come to think of it I feel like that really creates a scenario for setting yourself up for people pleasing. And as we know people pleasing is not only not authentic, but it doesn't really work. Because what pleases you may not please somebody else, and it's really not coming from your heart center is Come in with an agenda. And your intention makes the difference. There's a quote by Kristin Neff, and she says, the motivation of self compassion arises from love. While the motivation of self criticism arises from fear, love is more powerful than fear. Oh my goodness, I just got shivers down my back. My friend calls those God bumps. I love that love is more powerful than fear is this not the whole message of a call for love. When we are in a place of fear, overwhelm, anxiety, judgment, criticism, then there is a call for love. When you can shift your mindset to a place of love, then self compassion can blossom. Empathy can blossom. We can spread that to other people, to animals, to plants, to our whole world. And this is the beautiful thing about a call for love. Because it's accessible to all of us. When we invite self compassion. Self Compassion is like the fuel. It's like the soil that we can grow in. And I really hope as I am recording this now it is spring and I see everything growing. I really hope that you can invite self compassion to grow into your heart so that you can blossom just like the flowers and the trees outside. Always wishing you peace, joy, love and laughter from my heart to yours. Namaste.